My lament

Warning: this is a little raw

It is said that nearly two-thirds of the Psalms are in the form of a lament. While they seem like complaints to or about God, they are honest expressions of the pain of living in a world marred by sin. Dr Glenn Packiam helps us to understand laments by saying. “By contrasting Israel in the wilderness with Israel in worship, we can say that a complaint is an accusation against God that maligns His character, but a lament is an appeal to God based on confidence in His character.“1

My faith, and thus my life, is built in large part, but not entirely, on two important truths: 1. that God is sovereign, and 2. that God is good and loving. These are not simply mental assents or warm feelings, but rather deeply held beliefs in my heart and mind. These two truths are a deep part of who I am.

I have written about these before. I simply do not know how anyone can make sense of all the pain and darkness without feeling absolutely in despair without holding on to these two truths.

Having said that, I will also tell you that the current season of pain and loss is absolutely deep and raw. I do not doubt those truths, but the pain and loss has me also asking more questions- how long oh God will this suffering last? What is this plan? How is this for my good and good for our daughter?

I have prayed for healing, restoration, or simply for the pain to stop. I have prayed for Christ’s return simply to end the pain and restore all things. I have prayed through uncontrollable sobbing and quiet tears as I lay quietly on my bed in the middle of the night. I have prayed in desperation, begging God for healing and relief.

My prayers for healing seem to be unanswered in the way I desperately wanted. So now I pray for some kind of peace, rest, and acceptance of living in a terribly broken world. This is not the way He meant for the world to be, and I know that somehow He is making all things new, even now, and someday will restore his good creation.

Belief and feelings are two separate things. I believe things despite how I might feel, and I feel emotions despite my beliefs. I know that God is good and loves me. I know that I have been blessed beyond measure simply because of His mercy.

But I feel stuck in a pit of helplessness and hopelessness. I don’t know how to make myself feel better or feel his love.

Dr. Glenn Packiam ends by saying “Lament is not our final prayer. It is a prayer in the meantime. Most of the lament psalms end with a “vow to praise”—a promise to return thanksgiving to God for His deliverance. Because Jesus Christ is risen from the dead, we know that sorrow is not how the story ends.”2

So in the meantime, I pray His word back to Him:

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
    and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
    or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Psalm 51:10-12

1. Five Things to Know About Lament, by Dr. Glenn Packiam https://www.ntwrightonline.org/five-things-to-know-about-lament/
2. Ibid